Come on, BGM! Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. However, its also a convenient excuse for to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. Its time for him to grow up. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. ReginaRey To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. Lemongrass This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. Its sad, but it happens. Have a bbq with friends. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. . June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. Look at the situation from everyones position. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? lets_be_honest When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability In my experience, though, it seldom works. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. The rest of the time he spent with me. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. GatorGirl I give up. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? Thatll probably shut them up. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. Which is totally fine for you. Is this normal? Okay okay. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. Bike riding? As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. John Rohan Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. Laura Hope For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. Have you explained that to him? I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Two things.. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. I am actually not promoting anything. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. Who does that? This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. ForeverYoung lets_be_honest June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. You arent happy and yet you stay. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. GatorGirl All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. GatorGirl Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Ditto to the making plans paragraph. . I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. Yeah, I agree with ron. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. SpaceySteph They arent her parents. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. GatorGirl What way would you not want it to be? He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? ForeverYoung Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. GatorGirl But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. It sounds codependent to me. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Haha. I can understand both sides. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. . Red_Lady That was seven years ago. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. Ergo, off to the parents home. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. My husband likes It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. lemongrass Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. LW, how about writing back with the details? Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. wendyblueeyes But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. allathian According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. So why are you still with him? Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. . Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? You do like to see people you love, right? The LW may be overreacting. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. or just dinner? Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. Especially important people enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends if/when he proposes or you married. Your family, and you shouldnt they sleep there on weekend nights so... 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